Passing up opportunities..

Why do we pass up good opportunities? What is it inside of us that makes us choose a different route or let something good pass by? Reflecting on my life, I can honestly say that I am proud of the things I have done and the decisions I have made. I do not necessarily regret anything, but I always wonder...what if? what if? what if? What if I had chosen to take that class? Would I be in a different field? What if I would have had maintained contact with that person? Would we be close? What would my romantic life be like if I had spoken up and told him how I felt? It is really amazing to know that our life is already written for us...yet we think we have all the control in the world.

See, I know this person that I feel is/has let opportunity pass him by. Let's call him....'Shawn'. See, 'Shawn' and I go way back. Lol...as far back as you can when you move every couple of years while your dad is in the military. Anyway..'Shawn' and I had a very...weird...relationship (I guess that is what we can call it). Not really, but something like that. 'Shawn' is very special to me, always has, and always will. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something special about that man. I think he is in my life for a reason...whether it is to learn something, be reminded of something, or just for those butterflies that I get when I am around him (every few years or so). I don't even talk to 'Shawn' on a daily...or very often at that..but when we do talk, whether it is about the weather, work, or memories, it is always refreshing. For the most part, we 'get' one another. Despite us being in several different relationships, me bearing a child with another man, living in another country, state, etc. he's always been very dear to me. I sit back and wonder...what if? what if? what if?

But unfortunately, life doesn't run on the what ifs. Life runs on the choose this, go here, and be that. I just want to live in the feel this, try that, and risk those. Living on the wild (but safe?) side. Putting fears aside, taking a chance, and putting it out there. Why do people live in this cocoon they make...ohhh..I don't want to let him/her in...ohhhh I'm to afraid to open up...ohhh that will never work...ohh that just doesn't make any sense. Now I am not saying go out and jump off a roof and risk dying...or go up and move to a different state without a plan or anything, or buy a brand new car without doing your research on it, but I am saying that I wish someone was down to take a risk with me. Despite being completely taken advantage of and treated like crap in my last relationship (he may have been my best friend..but he was a shitty ass boyfriend nonetheless), I am still very much excited to meeting that counterpart that will be just as fearless as me. Someone that is going to trust that I won't hurt them, and someone that I know would never hurt me. See that is what 'Shawn' is...someone I know would love me unconditionally...not only because of the bond we share, but because he is a good man. And we all know that good men don't come along very often. I am just wondering why a good man and a good woman cannot share something special because of logistics (distance, different places in life, blah blah, same shit different day). Anway, yes my feelings are there...but then again, maybe this is all just a fairytale I have created for the last 7 years of my life. Who knows?

All I know is, I am tired of being bored. I am tired of the same ol same ol. I have always been the grounded one...always been the smart one to make smart decisions..and I am grateful that I have been blessed with this quality..but I definitely need some excitement in my life. I am not the 16 year old I used to be..sneaking into Be Greens..getting pierced and tatted up...chilling up in the dorms and sweet talking the gate guard to get back on the base at 3 am. I am not the 21 year old stepping on the yard, posted up with the Kappas, hitting up Steak and Shake after the club, only to meet up with my boo that I had been texting aka sexting all night in between shots and a booty dance with some orgs' #6. I am not the graduate student that meets the ladies on a Wednesday night after class/work at Tantra for a drink only to go home and get up at the crack of dawn for the 6 AM shift at Devereux. I am not the new mommy who is frazzled with life, feeling crappy about my new mommy body and situation.

I am at yet another stage in my life. I find solace in this..knowing that I have it all together. I earned my degrees, I feel comfortable as a mommy, I have a good job...but now what? I don't want to pass up another opportunity...but first I need that opportunity to pop up. Anyone ready to take a risk?

Working from home..

So my office is under construction..it is cool. This means me and my team get to WORK FROM HOME. For those of you who have ever 'worked' from home, you already know what this means. It means we get to lounge around the house in our PJs and choose to work on cases, projects, etc. It means we can go to the gym or run an errand and then respond to our emails as we choose. Or does it? What do you guys do when you are 'working' from home? I mean, obviously we are held to the same standard as we would if we were at the office. In my field, an emergency email can come up any time..so you really have to be on it. Or do you? I just find this really interesting. Unfortunately, for the next 8 weeks I will be in training three days a week, so I won't really be able to reep ALL of the benefits that my co-workers are receiving...but it is still refreshing. I know some people won't work from home because they know they won't be productive. Our IT dude set up some computers in the conference room for people like my co-worker who KNOWS she won't do anything if she was at the house. Ehhhhh, whatever. I say if the opportunity arises...then take it...! Which leads me to my next blog entry...

Three Little Words

So I thought I would share with you all some interesting information. See, I looovee to read, but ever since the hours and hours and hours of reading I had to endure during college and grad school, reading just didn't seem so much fun anymore. Now that I am done with school and am no longer REQUIRED to read anything, I have decided to up my book game. It is funny, because I chose to research books within my field...specifically memoirs of individuals who suffered from abuse, drug addiction, domestic violence, etc. and where are they now. It's funny, I don't have to read books for school anymore, yet I am choosing to read professional books regarding my field...hmmm..I guess that reading thing was engrained in me during college after all.

Anyway, one of my foster moms told me she was reading a book entitled, "Three Little Words". She also told me she watched a movie called, "An American Crime"..I went out and saw it and I think everyone that works with children or in SW should go out and watch it. It was pretty darn good. Anywho, so I go to amazon.com and get a few books, including the above mentioned one. I got it because I was told it was about a young girl who tells her story of growing up in Fl, specifically Hillsborough county, and her experience in the foster care system and being abused by her foster parents. Interestingly, she was removed from her mom because her mom wasn't financially stable enough to care for her or her brother, yet she was placed in several foster homes, one that was abusive, and these people were paid to care for her...instead of providing her mother with the funds to care for her...that's how jacked up the system is. I have heard this scenario plenty of times. So I'm reading the story and all of the details sound errily familiar. I mean, some details were different like names and locations, but I just knew I had heard the story before...and I realized, I know this story...because a previous co-worker of mine lived it. She works in the system and she had told me about how she was adopted into a home and they abused her and she ended up suing, there was big drama with the attorney, and basically she walked away with pennies, while her attorney walked away with the majority of the settlement.

So I'm reading the story and something inside of me is like...nooo waaaayyy...this is the saaammme family that my co-worker was adopted by. I emailed her and asked her if her adoptive parents were named Charles and Margorie Moss...and sure enough...it was! I told her all about the book and asked if she knew the chick that wrote it. She said yes, but they had bad blood because apparently the jacked up attorney that "helped" aka robbed her and her siblings is related to this chick's adoptive mom. So while my girl was in the home for 8 something years (and was adopted) was being abused and walked away with chump change, the girl that wrote the book that was in the home for maybe 2 years (in foster care) is 'set for life' and making a buck off her (aka my co-workers) life story. I feel really bad about buying this chicks book...I owe my co-worker the $12 or so I spent on the book, because realllly she deserves it. I was really disappointed to hear that her and her siblings got screwed over so badly. I will say that I am so proud of her for getting to the point she is at now. She has a steady job, is extremeeeellllyyy supportive of her family (that are quite crazy, by the way), does hair and makeup on the side, and spends a lot of time inspiring/empowering youth. I remember so many days when our kids would tell her..."YOU grew up in foster care? You don't look like you grew up in care." She just smiles and reminds them of what they can achieve if they try hard enough.

Anyway...I guess this goes to show that there really are two sides to every story. This girl was recently in the local paper, on the Montell show, and doing other public events....all while my co-worker goes to her faithful job everyday, inspires youth, and remains humble to her experience.

Workin it all away...

Times have been sooo stressful recently. Mom is sick..again...as usual..another surgery...another recovery. My personal life has been crappy...he's dumb...and I'm done. Strangely, I feel a bit liberated, but it still is hurtful nonetheless. I am so proud of my recent ability to take things as a grain of salt. I am really taking things as life lessons. Something hurts, I say oh well, now I know, and attempt to move on.

But on top of that..work is heating up. Things are getting hectic and I wish I could do so much more than what I am allowed to at this point. I don't start training until April 27th, and I will be gone for 8 weeks. After that...I have an odd feeling that I am going to be THROWN INTO my caseload..cuz my girls are swamped. I am preparing all that I can now, so that I am not pulling my hair out with stress come June. We have a new supervisor too...mmm..let's just say that I know more about licensing than she does. I'm being open minded though...buuuttt nobody really feels like it is going to work....womp.

This entry is really boring. I just felt like I needed to update things. Nothing much new to my life..back to a schedule..and back to a routine. Ohhh...Mikel started a new daycare..it's a Christian daycare and he seems to like it. It is A BOATLOAD of money though..I mean serious..I might as well be paying a mortgage. His birthday is coming up next Friday. I am too excited..my baby is going to be ONE YEAR OLD. It's amazing how time fllliiieeeess by. TNX will definitely be in the house too. Although Miki's birthday is Friday, we are celebrating on Saturday, which is also TNX Founder's Day! Wooo hoo! It's a celebration biiitcchhheesss! On a GRREAATT note, I was totally swamped with planning for Mikel's birthday because all the help I was supposed to have backed out on me. But my gracious co-worker Tiff has offered to do the cooking! Woooo hoo! So all I have to worry about is decorating, picking up the cake, and Mikel. I am sooo grateful. She's a Godsend! Okay...let me stop here cuz I am just rambling...

out..

ps. check me out http://www.youtube.com/TNXMAMI

Free thought..

Wow. Really? Over? over over over...all done..so sad..but so necessary. tired, tired, crazy disappointed..fusspointed..aw memories. that is all they all..memories now. no more future, no more together, no more us. lines are crossed, feelings are hurt, words are spewed, you a crazy..without a doubt, crazy crazy crazy confused. i don't know either. reorganization, fixing my life. helping my son be the best he can be and the best i can be without you..no more no more no more. it's like time is erased, the last two years a blur, a good and bad blur, with butterflies, with scary thoughts, with the breeze..like when you ride a roller coaster and keep yours eyes shut the whole time and when you finally get the courage to open your eyes you feel amazingly free, only to be disappointed that the ride comes to an end within a few moments. why do we wait so long to keep open our eyes? are we afraid of what we will see? are we afraid we might see our own death...no...it's just natural, natural, natural. you see, i always keep my eyes wide open on a roller coaster. i find it exhilirating, but for the first time in my life..i kept them closed. this way i could see what i wanted to see, feel what i wanted to feel, created my own memories while remaining blinded to what was really going on. us social workers call this a coping mechanism...it sure does work for me..does it mean it is healthy? who knows? long hair..don't care.

sprig sprig, alto, arriba! listening to him play with his toy and seeing him grow and live and feel. oh how i long to be a kid again. that way someone can take care of me, cater to me, live for me...i would run things again. instead, i am stuck being an adult...single mom with a one year old living with the parents in a place i really don't want to be. i thought i would be married by now and not even thinking about kids yet. funny how it works out huh? it is amazing how life changes quicker than a blink...the other night..quick fast and in a hurry..done over done over done over done over. wow. just left sitting there with my mouth wide open, my eyes watering and blinking from disbelief, and shaking from anger...all while he sleeps peacefully and has no idea that mommy and daddy are using angry words. wish wash..w.a.s.h. to be exact..only she knows what it means. yet another struggle, again, peace, again, peace, again, peace...the natural rythmn that we create for ourselves. up down up down up down up down...tantrums along the way...break time...

I'm back!

Hola people,
I have been MIA since the start of my new job and I thoroughly apologize for not keeping up with my blog. Oh boy..I have been adjusting to my new schedule and job quite well, but still haven't figured it out completely. My blog game has been slacking, gym game slacking, everything just all throw off.

My job has been going great. I love my co-workers and the job itself is great. I'm a little disappointed in myself because I wanted to get right to it and get a caseload but I had to pass the pre-service waiver first. Well people, I failed the waiver exam by TWO POINTS! Two measly points, so now I have to sit through 8 weeks of training that I already did in 2007. Don't get me wrong, the information is good and it really is helpful...it just is a personal defeat for myself. On top of that, my co-workers are struggling to keep afloat because they have a lot of families they are working with. To top it off, training doesn't even start until mid to late April. So for now, I am helping where I can and doing simple things for the cases and having them check my work. I just really wanted to get in there and help them. We are the top foster home licensing agency in the Tampa area (out of three others) and we are the smallest agency. See, other licensing agencies have 8-10 employees, all that do one piece of the puzzle. One person does the recruitment stuff (attending orientations, initially meeting the families, hosting training), another only does the initial licensing work, another only does the relicensing work, one actually monitors the family, etc. Well, with my agency, there are only 4 of us and we do alllllll the work. There is no breakdown on who does what...nope, we all have families and we all do everything. These ladies are phenomenal woman...getting the work done all while managing their relationships and lives. Don't get me wrong..there are long hours...last week I didn't get home until 9:45 PM..but it isn't always that way. Things can only go up..but I feel good about my position and the people I work with.

What I am struggling with is being away from my son. It feels as if I have been with him up until he was 11 months old, but I know it was only in December when I finished my internship. I swear, those four months of interning and being away from him seem like a blur compared to the time apart now. It is even harder because he is becoming more expressive and emotional. He definitely tells me when he misses me, is angry, upset, everything. My little man is growing up and it is really hard when I only see him for an hour in the morning and when I get home he is already asleep and put to bed ;-( . Mark has been a great help...I am so glad that he is getting the opportunity to spend quality time with our son and get to know him in a way that he hasn't been able to due to the distance between us (me in Riverview, him in St. Pete).

Things are really good for me right now. Other than the fact that I feel like a blob because I have been slipping on going to the gym, I am pretty darn happy. Mikel's first birthday is coming up and we will actually be celebrating on TNX's Founders Day (April 11th). Still don't know who is coming and I have heard that some have flaked out on the plans...but I will enjoy the day all the same whether people decide to celebrate with me or not. It is amazing how a year flies by...

one love

Back To Reality

Today was the first day on the new job. My job title is Adoptions/Fostercare Recruiter but it is slightly inaccurate and will be changing soon. Basically, I license individuals be reputable foster parents and train them on how to have safe foster homes. Not only do I recruit families to be foster parents, but I guide them through the licensing process and keep in contact with them to make sure everything is going smoothly. At first, I thought it would be just a position until I find something better, but today has made me feel much more positive. Don't get me wrong...no matter how I feel about my job, I am going to always put my best foward and get the work done..it's just a matter of how much I vent and gripe about it when I get home. As a professional, it is important to act that way and not let your personal feelings into your job performance (although this can be extremely difficult to do in my field).

Anyway, so I go to my first day of training and think everyone is just great. Everyone from my HR Coordinator, to my boss, to my team, the adminstrative guru, the IT guy..everyone..all seem friendly and helpful. I have heard about Children's Homes Society through colleagues and friends that have worked in this agency. I have heard plenty of bad things, seen a lot of chaos, and frustration...honestlty, it probably is the nature of the positions..case management is a difficult job for ANYONE. These people should be treated better and paid much more for all the work and dedication they are DEMANDED to put forth. Anywho..Adoptions (well I will really only being doing foster care) seems so much more organized, put together, and less stressful. I always knew this division was much slower so that definitely helps. I am working hand in hand with three other ladies..two around my age...and one older lady..and they all seem to be a blast. When I arrived at my cubicle they had a huge WELCOME sign already made for me and seemed eager to get to know me. It was a comforting feeling. First days are always awkward and scary, so it put me at ease.

I must note that I interviewed for this job waaayyy back in October or November...it was a loonng time ago. I never heard anything back, so I figured I didn't get the position. In fact, this was the very firs job interview I went on in Tampa. I get a call from HR about two weeks ago telling me that they are interested in me and wondered if I was still looking for work. I was shocked. I told them yes, told them my expected salary offer, and Mery from HR was off to put in my offer. Well, they came pretty darn close to it, gave me a call back a week later and asked if I was ready to start training. Fast forward to today and my boss is telling me that he wanted to let me know that right off the bat, he knew I was the one for the job (and I also know a lot of people interviewed for the posiiton). He also said that they took so long in contacting me because their was some internal changes occuring and they were trying to decide on whether they should fill my position or alocate the budget toward another supervisor position. Ultimately, they chose me! I was beyond flattered and excited. It seems as if the three of them (the ladies I will be working with) really value how close knit they are and how they 'have one another's backs'. Let's just say..I feel welcomed into the family ;-)

We will see how it goes! Look foward to many more adventures lol..

Growing apart..

So I have been feeling like this for a while now. In fact, I think I have always felt this way due to my upbringing. See, I have a hard time with friends growing apart from one another. I have been forced to deal with this time and time again because being a military brat has forced me to move to a new location every 3-5 years or so. I always adjusted and never thought twice about it, because that was just the way life was for me. Fast forward to college where I am able to live comfortably for five years. I encounter many individuals, some associates and some I believe (or thought) to be lifelong friends. I was blessed with the opportunity to join an amazing sisterhood that stands for everything I believe. There was a time in 2005 when I believed that I had found a lifelong support system....something I had never really had before. Nowadays, I do not feel the same. Whenever I fill out those surveys on Myspace and the "Who is your best friend?" question comes up...I can honestly never really think of a specific individual. Don't get me wrong, I have friends from Oki that I still talk to that I am close to, I have lovely line sisters and prophytes, and I have close friends from college, but I do not have a true best friend. Stop, rewind, I do have a best friend...my man, of course. But is that not the obvious? Is that not a given? Wouldn't your best friend be the one you share everything with, the first one you think to call, the one that 'gets' you the most...well it's him and I am thankful for that. I don't think I have ever even told him that...so here is goes...Mark, you are my best friend. Thank you. I love you.

But what really does this mean? How do I really feel about this? Quite frankly, I am disappointed to know that as each day, week, month, year passes, I am growing farther and farther apart from those that I once viewed as 'best friends', the closest of close. Don't get me wrong, a friendship can only flourish if both parties give a little. I have been guilty of not returning phone calls...yes, very much guilty. But I think it is pretty wack when a person comes to town, doesn't even call me to meet up for two days while they are here, and then expects me to drop everything to come hang last minute (ie, babysitter anyone?). I also think it is wack when I travel to another city to visit my 'friends' and people want to act like it's a big inconvenience to have to meet up with me. I think it is wack that I have friends that live barely 20 minutes from me that I never see or talk to. Maybe I am being overly sensitive...oh well...I still think it is fucked up. I think it is fucked up when I have people that I am not really close to calling me, texting me, hitting me up on Facebook...asking how I am doing, etc...but then I have those that are supposed to be 'my girls' that I haven't spoken to in months. Yes I am fine, yes Mikel is great...thanks for not asking. ::sarcasm::

The point is, people change, times change, people grow apart...I get it. I also understand that people have shit going on with their lives..boyfriends...jobs...family...etc. But it is still hurtful to feel so alone. Maybe I need to do a better job of communicating myself. What is stopping me from picking up the phone? I cannot blame it all on everyone else...but I am not going to go out of my way when it just seems so pointless at times. I tell people, hit me up when you have free time...no call. I tell people, lets go for drinks...sure I will call you...and guess what, nothing. Not a damn thing. Life is too short to waste time. Friends and family can be taken at any moment. I wish we all spent time with one another and took advantage of our limited moments. As I am writing this, I find myself getting angry...angry at these individuals...and angry at the truth. Maybe we weren't so close after all.

Peace

Oh. I thought I would come back and edit this.to add a very important point. If you thought I was referring to you when you were reading this...then I probably was. I still love you all...just feeling a bit hurt.

Car show..

So yes...I was driving when I made this. I was looking at the road and had both hands on the steering wheel, so it is a bit bumpy. Enjoy!

as he sleeps..

Pitter patter...little feet and hands crawling on the floor My my, he is getting so big..so fast..10 months..wow..Learning about myself and getting to know him each and every day..Marriage? Shot gun wedding? Elopment? Who knows...but I still smile. Yes, I love him..deeply, deeply deeply, but he still annoys the shit out of me. That's because we are virtually twins. I swear, we speak twin language at times and yet cannot be anymore different in some ways. Funny how it works out huh? Label label label..new makeup craze, excited and feeling creative. Love to love to love....toys on the floor, matching green bib..green, his favorite color. I love Elena, so sweet, helpful, and thoughtful. Yay for blogs, everyone should have one. A tool for creative energy to flow from your spirit. I hate correcting typos, but I would feel weird if I saw a typo after re-reading this and knew that I still hit PUBLISH POST. Boo to that, organized...soft snoring..not from the baby, but from my sibling home from work sick. Cough, sneeze, snot, congestion..we all have the sniffles in the house. My poor baby kept waking up coughing last night, but he hung in there. Starting to teethe..I see a bump, little white cap, so something is coming. Who knows..I might be imagining it though, lol. Crackers, crackers, yummy mess, mushy tushy, bushy hair, lovely breath, formula baby DHA and ARA, that's okay. Break break break. Just writing freely, whatever touches my fingertips to the keys to the alicia to the a-minor. Chris Brown..for reals dog? Are you fucking crazy? Just don't know..just don't understand..why why why? Well, who knows, who knows why WE stay..yes we, as in ME included. Don't ask, don't tell...well, I told, oh well. So I see bright lights and colors, like my newly bought makeup palette, ooh la la, excitement, betterment, improvement, hot mama. Not a MILF..sounds a little gross, but a beauty nonetheless. I need to start planning for his birthday coming up...April 10th...save the date..invitations will be out soon enough. Hit submit, apply, resume, recommendations, work history, experience..how many times have I filled out this info..millions, millions, and billions..still waiting for a call, response, glimmer of interest..patience, patience, and more patience. Typing fast, flying fast..like a plane..air force? possibly...shh..it's a secret. just waiting waiting, pay the debts, pay the bills, stability, benefits, duh duh duh, my little man, angel, sweetness, so cute cute cute cute cute, love to live, love to dream reaching goals. though feeling lazy, determined mentality, somewhat discouraged but letting it go..go..go..fall to the ground..breaking and shattering. i'm free...able to breathe, working it out, sweating it out by running running running, making progress...is what is see true? down another two pounds, making it to my goal. suprised at the two pounds because i'm feeling bloated, must be the menstrual, menstrual, menstrual..that's okay, not complaining. healthy living, striving to be best, not better, but best. loving life and family and friends but missing my girls..ONE LOVE ONE LOVE AND ONE LOVE again to those in my life. Love and miss you all...greatest memories..that night..those times..those parties..those words..TO WASH to WASH and to WASH..love my Siria. Pray for you and yours and me and mine..strength, free, flowing, dropping, swoosh like Nike, up like a bird, bright yellow like Ben Nye, no clue huh? That's okay. Creative nirvana, chaos, but perfect chaos and perfect commotion...amazing how it all works huh. Fingers are getting tired..can't keep up with the thoughts that are coming..just enough enough to touch and feel, click clack of the keys scratch scratch, tightening the laces on my ribcage and strengthening the backbone..stand up for yourself now and forever..don't take shit but be mindful of humility...a lesson learned that still needs to be a lesson learned...not by me..but for others, two face two faced, how does it feel? hiding double sided tape like the ones you put on a flowy dress so you don't ex-pose yourself. open free, open your ears, loud loud loud..like the sound of my child waking up from a nap...but for now as he sleeps, snore, cough, snore cough, i love you son...