Free thought..

Wow. Really? Over? over over over...all done..so sad..but so necessary. tired, tired, crazy disappointed..fusspointed..aw memories. that is all they all..memories now. no more future, no more together, no more us. lines are crossed, feelings are hurt, words are spewed, you a crazy..without a doubt, crazy crazy crazy confused. i don't know either. reorganization, fixing my life. helping my son be the best he can be and the best i can be without you..no more no more no more. it's like time is erased, the last two years a blur, a good and bad blur, with butterflies, with scary thoughts, with the breeze..like when you ride a roller coaster and keep yours eyes shut the whole time and when you finally get the courage to open your eyes you feel amazingly free, only to be disappointed that the ride comes to an end within a few moments. why do we wait so long to keep open our eyes? are we afraid of what we will see? are we afraid we might see our own death...no...it's just natural, natural, natural. you see, i always keep my eyes wide open on a roller coaster. i find it exhilirating, but for the first time in my life..i kept them closed. this way i could see what i wanted to see, feel what i wanted to feel, created my own memories while remaining blinded to what was really going on. us social workers call this a coping mechanism...it sure does work for me..does it mean it is healthy? who knows? long hair..don't care.

sprig sprig, alto, arriba! listening to him play with his toy and seeing him grow and live and feel. oh how i long to be a kid again. that way someone can take care of me, cater to me, live for me...i would run things again. instead, i am stuck being an adult...single mom with a one year old living with the parents in a place i really don't want to be. i thought i would be married by now and not even thinking about kids yet. funny how it works out huh? it is amazing how life changes quicker than a blink...the other night..quick fast and in a hurry..done over done over done over done over. wow. just left sitting there with my mouth wide open, my eyes watering and blinking from disbelief, and shaking from anger...all while he sleeps peacefully and has no idea that mommy and daddy are using angry words. wish wash..w.a.s.h. to be exact..only she knows what it means. yet another struggle, again, peace, again, peace, again, peace...the natural rythmn that we create for ourselves. up down up down up down up down...tantrums along the way...break time...