Passing up opportunities..

Why do we pass up good opportunities? What is it inside of us that makes us choose a different route or let something good pass by? Reflecting on my life, I can honestly say that I am proud of the things I have done and the decisions I have made. I do not necessarily regret anything, but I always wonder...what if? what if? what if? What if I had chosen to take that class? Would I be in a different field? What if I would have had maintained contact with that person? Would we be close? What would my romantic life be like if I had spoken up and told him how I felt? It is really amazing to know that our life is already written for us...yet we think we have all the control in the world.

See, I know this person that I feel is/has let opportunity pass him by. Let's call him....'Shawn'. See, 'Shawn' and I go way back. Lol...as far back as you can when you move every couple of years while your dad is in the military. Anyway..'Shawn' and I had a very...weird...relationship (I guess that is what we can call it). Not really, but something like that. 'Shawn' is very special to me, always has, and always will. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something special about that man. I think he is in my life for a reason...whether it is to learn something, be reminded of something, or just for those butterflies that I get when I am around him (every few years or so). I don't even talk to 'Shawn' on a daily...or very often at that..but when we do talk, whether it is about the weather, work, or memories, it is always refreshing. For the most part, we 'get' one another. Despite us being in several different relationships, me bearing a child with another man, living in another country, state, etc. he's always been very dear to me. I sit back and wonder...what if? what if? what if?

But unfortunately, life doesn't run on the what ifs. Life runs on the choose this, go here, and be that. I just want to live in the feel this, try that, and risk those. Living on the wild (but safe?) side. Putting fears aside, taking a chance, and putting it out there. Why do people live in this cocoon they make...ohhh..I don't want to let him/her in...ohhhh I'm to afraid to open up...ohhh that will never work...ohh that just doesn't make any sense. Now I am not saying go out and jump off a roof and risk dying...or go up and move to a different state without a plan or anything, or buy a brand new car without doing your research on it, but I am saying that I wish someone was down to take a risk with me. Despite being completely taken advantage of and treated like crap in my last relationship (he may have been my best friend..but he was a shitty ass boyfriend nonetheless), I am still very much excited to meeting that counterpart that will be just as fearless as me. Someone that is going to trust that I won't hurt them, and someone that I know would never hurt me. See that is what 'Shawn' is...someone I know would love me unconditionally...not only because of the bond we share, but because he is a good man. And we all know that good men don't come along very often. I am just wondering why a good man and a good woman cannot share something special because of logistics (distance, different places in life, blah blah, same shit different day). Anway, yes my feelings are there...but then again, maybe this is all just a fairytale I have created for the last 7 years of my life. Who knows?

All I know is, I am tired of being bored. I am tired of the same ol same ol. I have always been the grounded one...always been the smart one to make smart decisions..and I am grateful that I have been blessed with this quality..but I definitely need some excitement in my life. I am not the 16 year old I used to be..sneaking into Be Greens..getting pierced and tatted up...chilling up in the dorms and sweet talking the gate guard to get back on the base at 3 am. I am not the 21 year old stepping on the yard, posted up with the Kappas, hitting up Steak and Shake after the club, only to meet up with my boo that I had been texting aka sexting all night in between shots and a booty dance with some orgs' #6. I am not the graduate student that meets the ladies on a Wednesday night after class/work at Tantra for a drink only to go home and get up at the crack of dawn for the 6 AM shift at Devereux. I am not the new mommy who is frazzled with life, feeling crappy about my new mommy body and situation.

I am at yet another stage in my life. I find solace in this..knowing that I have it all together. I earned my degrees, I feel comfortable as a mommy, I have a good job...but now what? I don't want to pass up another opportunity...but first I need that opportunity to pop up. Anyone ready to take a risk?