Weighty Issues

As I sit here listening to my 9.5 month old jump and scream in his jumperoo I look down and see my stomach pooch sticking out decorated with my slightly faded stretch marks. You know, any other time I would be disgusted with the way I look and feel. I have always have body image issues and never really accepted my curvy figure for the glory that it was. Now after having a kid I have a new found sense of what it means to be beautiful. I cannot lie, during puberty I got stretch marks all over my legs and ass and was just disgusted with myself. Boy, I wish I really embraced my shape at the time because I had no clue what was to come!

When I would go in for my monthly prenatal appointment at my OBGYN I would feel so gross and ashamed at my climbing weight that I would make my own boyfriend leave the room during the weigh in. In fact, he never knew how much I weighed when I gave birth up until a few weeks ago when I finally told him. He has always done a great job of explaining how perfect he thinks I am, fat or not. Of course I never believed him because all men want a tight stomach, big tits, and firm ass....and honestly I didn't have any of that (well...maybe some bigger breasts) at the time and just couldn't imagine why or how anybody would want me (physically, that is).

See...we all have a tendency to be our biggest critic and find flaws within ourselves that quite frankly, do not exist. Since April 10, 2008 I have lost 47 pounds (I gained 40 when I was pregnant) and of course I am still not satisfied. No matter how much weight I lose, my hips will always be someting serious and my stomach will always be soft. My stretch marks will fade but they will always be there. I cannot complain about my lovely C cups I have received though (lol).

As women, as humans, are we ever truly satisfied with anything? The point is, things are possible with hard work and determination and no amount of whining or feeling sorry for myself helped me drop damn near 50 pounds. I still have a personal goal to reach but I have realized it is about being healthy for myself and for my son's future. I told myself that I can no longer be selfish about how I look. Yes, my body is my temple, but God created me to bear children (amongst other things) and I now wear my 'battle wounds' proudly. So no, I don't have the body that some of my sorors have after baby (which I know they probably have their own issues with how they look, despite my opinion that they look absolutely fabulous), but I have the body of a woman...the body of a mother..the body of a godess.

There are a few websites that have helped me with this journey. For fun reading or if you know of someone who is struggling with post baby body image issues or just body image issues period feel free to point them towards these links:

http://theshapeofamother.com/

http://www.babycenter.com/bigstory-post-partum-body-image?intcmp=Nav_HP_Hero1&pn=BC%20Homepage

peace

Feeling brand new..

So I am new to this public blogging thing. The funny thing is, I have my own personal blog (ahem, diary) that I write in all the time. See, I figured nobody would have an interest in what I am thinking, feeling, dreaming about, etc. Oh well. I am sure there will be some fans somewhere.

Update: I am a new MSW, looking for a job, and and at home with my child alllll day. I cannot lie, it is actually quite refreshing to be able to stay home and watch my little one grow, develop, and explore. He is growing so fast...it has almost been a year. To see him start to vocalize and actually give me attitude is hilarious. Imagine, a 9 month old giving you attitude...it is possible. Without getting too mushy, I feel entirely blessed. Obviously having a child at my age and out of wedlock was not the plan, but to know that God blessed me with the opportunity to bear a child and continue my legacy is world changing. I always wanted to be successful and never really thought too much about motherhood. I just assumed that I would have a loving husband and family...(that's just what people do nowadays) but honestly I was focused on working hard and my education. My world completely shifted the day I found out I was pregnant (it was a Thursday evening to be precise). Now, my main goal in life is to be a mother and a wife....and hopefully be a good social worker along the way. Imagine that...Miss Passion wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom, wow. My how times and people change...

So yeah, I need a job, am still looking for a job, but honestly I am in no rush. These days are precious and I love every second of them...

ta ta for now...