So I have been feeling like this for a while now. In fact, I think I have always felt this way due to my upbringing. See, I have a hard time with friends growing apart from one another. I have been forced to deal with this time and time again because being a military brat has forced me to move to a new location every 3-5 years or so. I always adjusted and never thought twice about it, because that was just the way life was for me. Fast forward to college where I am able to live comfortably for five years. I encounter many individuals, some associates and some I believe (or thought) to be lifelong friends. I was blessed with the opportunity to join an amazing sisterhood that stands for everything I believe. There was a time in 2005 when I believed that I had found a lifelong support system....something I had never really had before. Nowadays, I do not feel the same. Whenever I fill out those surveys on Myspace and the "Who is your best friend?" question comes up...I can honestly never really think of a specific individual. Don't get me wrong, I have friends from Oki that I still talk to that I am close to, I have lovely line sisters and prophytes, and I have close friends from college, but I do not have a true best friend. Stop, rewind, I do have a best friend...my man, of course. But is that not the obvious? Is that not a given? Wouldn't your best friend be the one you share everything with, the first one you think to call, the one that 'gets' you the most...well it's him and I am thankful for that. I don't think I have ever even told him that...so here is goes...Mark, you are my best friend. Thank you. I love you.
But what really does this mean? How do I really feel about this? Quite frankly, I am disappointed to know that as each day, week, month, year passes, I am growing farther and farther apart from those that I once viewed as 'best friends', the closest of close. Don't get me wrong, a friendship can only flourish if both parties give a little. I have been guilty of not returning phone calls...yes, very much guilty. But I think it is pretty wack when a person comes to town, doesn't even call me to meet up for two days while they are here, and then expects me to drop everything to come hang last minute (ie, babysitter anyone?). I also think it is wack when I travel to another city to visit my 'friends' and people want to act like it's a big inconvenience to have to meet up with me. I think it is wack that I have friends that live barely 20 minutes from me that I never see or talk to. Maybe I am being overly sensitive...oh well...I still think it is fucked up. I think it is fucked up when I have people that I am not really close to calling me, texting me, hitting me up on Facebook...asking how I am doing, etc...but then I have those that are supposed to be 'my girls' that I haven't spoken to in months. Yes I am fine, yes Mikel is great...thanks for not asking. ::sarcasm::
The point is, people change, times change, people grow apart...I get it. I also understand that people have shit going on with their lives..boyfriends...jobs...family...etc. But it is still hurtful to feel so alone. Maybe I need to do a better job of communicating myself. What is stopping me from picking up the phone? I cannot blame it all on everyone else...but I am not going to go out of my way when it just seems so pointless at times. I tell people, hit me up when you have free time...no call. I tell people, lets go for drinks...sure I will call you...and guess what, nothing. Not a damn thing. Life is too short to waste time. Friends and family can be taken at any moment. I wish we all spent time with one another and took advantage of our limited moments. As I am writing this, I find myself getting angry...angry at these individuals...and angry at the truth. Maybe we weren't so close after all.
Peace
Oh. I thought I would come back and edit this.to add a very important point. If you thought I was referring to you when you were reading this...then I probably was. I still love you all...just feeling a bit hurt.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Car show..
So yes...I was driving when I made this. I was looking at the road and had both hands on the steering wheel, so it is a bit bumpy. Enjoy!
Monday, February 9, 2009
as he sleeps..
Pitter patter...little feet and hands crawling on the floor My my, he is getting so big..so fast..10 months..wow..Learning about myself and getting to know him each and every day..Marriage? Shot gun wedding? Elopment? Who knows...but I still smile. Yes, I love him..deeply, deeply deeply, but he still annoys the shit out of me. That's because we are virtually twins. I swear, we speak twin language at times and yet cannot be anymore different in some ways. Funny how it works out huh? Label label label..new makeup craze, excited and feeling creative. Love to love to love....toys on the floor, matching green bib..green, his favorite color. I love Elena, so sweet, helpful, and thoughtful. Yay for blogs, everyone should have one. A tool for creative energy to flow from your spirit. I hate correcting typos, but I would feel weird if I saw a typo after re-reading this and knew that I still hit PUBLISH POST. Boo to that, organized...soft snoring..not from the baby, but from my sibling home from work sick. Cough, sneeze, snot, congestion..we all have the sniffles in the house. My poor baby kept waking up coughing last night, but he hung in there. Starting to teethe..I see a bump, little white cap, so something is coming. Who knows..I might be imagining it though, lol. Crackers, crackers, yummy mess, mushy tushy, bushy hair, lovely breath, formula baby DHA and ARA, that's okay. Break break break. Just writing freely, whatever touches my fingertips to the keys to the alicia to the a-minor. Chris Brown..for reals dog? Are you fucking crazy? Just don't know..just don't understand..why why why? Well, who knows, who knows why WE stay..yes we, as in ME included. Don't ask, don't tell...well, I told, oh well. So I see bright lights and colors, like my newly bought makeup palette, ooh la la, excitement, betterment, improvement, hot mama. Not a MILF..sounds a little gross, but a beauty nonetheless. I need to start planning for his birthday coming up...April 10th...save the date..invitations will be out soon enough. Hit submit, apply, resume, recommendations, work history, experience..how many times have I filled out this info..millions, millions, and billions..still waiting for a call, response, glimmer of interest..patience, patience, and more patience. Typing fast, flying fast..like a plane..air force? possibly...shh..it's a secret. just waiting waiting, pay the debts, pay the bills, stability, benefits, duh duh duh, my little man, angel, sweetness, so cute cute cute cute cute, love to live, love to dream reaching goals. though feeling lazy, determined mentality, somewhat discouraged but letting it go..go..go..fall to the ground..breaking and shattering. i'm free...able to breathe, working it out, sweating it out by running running running, making progress...is what is see true? down another two pounds, making it to my goal. suprised at the two pounds because i'm feeling bloated, must be the menstrual, menstrual, menstrual..that's okay, not complaining. healthy living, striving to be best, not better, but best. loving life and family and friends but missing my girls..ONE LOVE ONE LOVE AND ONE LOVE again to those in my life. Love and miss you all...greatest memories..that night..those times..those parties..those words..TO WASH to WASH and to WASH..love my Siria. Pray for you and yours and me and mine..strength, free, flowing, dropping, swoosh like Nike, up like a bird, bright yellow like Ben Nye, no clue huh? That's okay. Creative nirvana, chaos, but perfect chaos and perfect commotion...amazing how it all works huh. Fingers are getting tired..can't keep up with the thoughts that are coming..just enough enough to touch and feel, click clack of the keys scratch scratch, tightening the laces on my ribcage and strengthening the backbone..stand up for yourself now and forever..don't take shit but be mindful of humility...a lesson learned that still needs to be a lesson learned...not by me..but for others, two face two faced, how does it feel? hiding double sided tape like the ones you put on a flowy dress so you don't ex-pose yourself. open free, open your ears, loud loud loud..like the sound of my child waking up from a nap...but for now as he sleeps, snore, cough, snore cough, i love you son...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A day in the life....errr...Happy Birthday!
Hey guys! I decided to throw something together. Excuse any grammar errors, or video errors...honestly I just threw it together. I was inspired last minute, and it is my first video blog (VLOG) so I kind of feel like it was a hot mess...including how I looked..but that is okay. This is the real me..and sometimes I look crazy, lol. Nonetheless...stay tuned for better vids and better quality...HAPPY GASPARILLA! annnnddd HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAVANNA!!!!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
25 MORE Random Things About Me..
Since this was so popular on my facebook account I decided to conjur up 25 more random things about myself. Happy Reading!
1. I crack my toes at least 3 times a day.
2. No matter how much weight I lose or gain, my calves always stay pretty toned.
3. My first cell phone was a baby pink flip phone that was all in Japanese. I didn't know the language, but somehow I knew how to do everything on that phone.
4. I didn't really know how to do my hair until I started college.
5. I never had rhythm until freshman year of college and you would never know it.
6. I used to wear nothing but silver, but now I prefer gold.
7. I am the biggest computer nerd...EVER! I look everything up online!
8. I type extremely fast..at least 80 wpm but can get up to 93 wpm if I am in the groove.
9. I cry when I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition...everytime.
10. In my lifetime I have wanted to be a singer, pediatrician, teacher, psychologist, social worker, and a nurse...in that order.
11. I thank God that I have never been to a funeral.
12. I have only been to ONE wedding and that was to my big sisters (heeeyy Guita!).
13. When I was pregnant I knew 6 other people who were pregnant too.
14. I started going to the club when I was 15 years old and had one tattoo and two piercings by age 16.
15. I never had 'the sex' talk with my parents.
16. I go to sleep either praying or singing some song that gets stuck in my head with the tv on and the sleep timer set.
17. I cannot wait for Sundays to come so I can look at www.postsecret.com.
18. I have never been allergic to anything and have had only one major surgery (baby!).
19. I broke my growth sphincter in my right foot in fourth grade.
20. Writing this list is a lot harder then I ever imagined it would be.
21. Some of the smartest people I know are the most misguided people I know (ie, too smart to figure out what they should do in life)
22. I type with my left pointer finger and my right middle finger...only!
23. The only time I stepped foot into a jail or prison was to visit a client.
24. I rarely sleep with socks on.
25. I don't find bubbles baths relaxing or sexy in the least bit.
1. I crack my toes at least 3 times a day.
2. No matter how much weight I lose or gain, my calves always stay pretty toned.
3. My first cell phone was a baby pink flip phone that was all in Japanese. I didn't know the language, but somehow I knew how to do everything on that phone.
4. I didn't really know how to do my hair until I started college.
5. I never had rhythm until freshman year of college and you would never know it.
6. I used to wear nothing but silver, but now I prefer gold.
7. I am the biggest computer nerd...EVER! I look everything up online!
8. I type extremely fast..at least 80 wpm but can get up to 93 wpm if I am in the groove.
9. I cry when I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition...everytime.
10. In my lifetime I have wanted to be a singer, pediatrician, teacher, psychologist, social worker, and a nurse...in that order.
11. I thank God that I have never been to a funeral.
12. I have only been to ONE wedding and that was to my big sisters (heeeyy Guita!).
13. When I was pregnant I knew 6 other people who were pregnant too.
14. I started going to the club when I was 15 years old and had one tattoo and two piercings by age 16.
15. I never had 'the sex' talk with my parents.
16. I go to sleep either praying or singing some song that gets stuck in my head with the tv on and the sleep timer set.
17. I cannot wait for Sundays to come so I can look at www.postsecret.com.
18. I have never been allergic to anything and have had only one major surgery (baby!).
19. I broke my growth sphincter in my right foot in fourth grade.
20. Writing this list is a lot harder then I ever imagined it would be.
21. Some of the smartest people I know are the most misguided people I know (ie, too smart to figure out what they should do in life)
22. I type with my left pointer finger and my right middle finger...only!
23. The only time I stepped foot into a jail or prison was to visit a client.
24. I rarely sleep with socks on.
25. I don't find bubbles baths relaxing or sexy in the least bit.
Putting my best foot forward..
It's offical..I am turning into a professional runner. NOT! Anybody who knows me knows that I HATE running. I get tired sooo quickly, get terrible shin splints, and get incredibly bored. However, if I am forced to do it (which I believe I might have been a time or two) the high that I get afterward is so amazing. This runner's high provides me with a sense of accomplishment, determination, and strength. Just lovely!
So yesterday I decided to treat myself to a new pair of running shoes. Babies may be expensive, but they sure as hell help with a tax rebate (thanks Mikel)...so I decided to buy something for myself for once. I walk into Finishline and began looking at all my choices. I knew I wanted something bright and fun because I wanted to be able to look at my running shoes and feel good about going outside or to the gym and not bored. I started looking at the silvers, the yellows, the blues, the oranges. My eye caught a lovely silver and white pair with this neon green lining. They were great..but entirely too expensive. Walked by the clearance section to see if there was anything better and I saw about 3 or 4 pink and silver Nikes that looked great. I finally decided on a yellow and silver pair that seemed perfect! They were great up until I walked passed another clearance aisle and saw a similar pair that were silver and bright blue with yellow lining and a yellow Nike check...all for 20 bucks cheaper for the original yellow pair. I don't know about anybody else, but when I buy something that I really have wanted I take FOREVER to make up mind. Maybe because I know that for now funds are limited and if I am going to splurge, I want to make sure it is something 'perfect' or maybe I am just picky..who knows. The point is, I was in Finishline for what seemed like an eternity trying to decide between these two pair of shoes, lol. Looking back I took entirely too long, but oh well. I am happy with my final choice.
The point is..this makes me reflect on my decision making style and realize that I am proud of my ability to be thorough in my choices. I know someone that doesn't think before he acts and it annoys me. Likewise, I know another individual who just opens her mouth and spews verbal diarrhea about anything and everything as if anybody cares. Okay, that was mean, but seriously though...why don't people think about things before they speak, act, react, do, etc.? Whether it is deciding what shoes to buy or what job offer to accept, some sort of thinking is always necessary. Now obviously more thought goes into one versus the other..but I am tired of having to deal with such careless attitudes around me. Now I must clarify that it doesn't really bother me until it affects me..and I am strictly speaking my annoyance on those people who's behavior is directly affecting me.
I am sure that this can also be a strength at times. I can honestly say that there have been times when I stress myself out too much because I want to make the 'right decision' instead of just going with the flow. This is not good, and this is my own personal flaw that I am working on. Just like improving my running...it takes practice and baby steps. You can't push yourself too far, but you have to be honest about challenging yourself. At times you want to be selfish, and do what you want, and quit, and at other times you feel on top of the world, ready to run 26.2 miles (Go JB!) and be that carefree soul. Looks like I have a lot of practice ahead of me..
Tis all...
So yesterday I decided to treat myself to a new pair of running shoes. Babies may be expensive, but they sure as hell help with a tax rebate (thanks Mikel)...so I decided to buy something for myself for once. I walk into Finishline and began looking at all my choices. I knew I wanted something bright and fun because I wanted to be able to look at my running shoes and feel good about going outside or to the gym and not bored. I started looking at the silvers, the yellows, the blues, the oranges. My eye caught a lovely silver and white pair with this neon green lining. They were great..but entirely too expensive. Walked by the clearance section to see if there was anything better and I saw about 3 or 4 pink and silver Nikes that looked great. I finally decided on a yellow and silver pair that seemed perfect! They were great up until I walked passed another clearance aisle and saw a similar pair that were silver and bright blue with yellow lining and a yellow Nike check...all for 20 bucks cheaper for the original yellow pair. I don't know about anybody else, but when I buy something that I really have wanted I take FOREVER to make up mind. Maybe because I know that for now funds are limited and if I am going to splurge, I want to make sure it is something 'perfect' or maybe I am just picky..who knows. The point is, I was in Finishline for what seemed like an eternity trying to decide between these two pair of shoes, lol. Looking back I took entirely too long, but oh well. I am happy with my final choice.
The point is..this makes me reflect on my decision making style and realize that I am proud of my ability to be thorough in my choices. I know someone that doesn't think before he acts and it annoys me. Likewise, I know another individual who just opens her mouth and spews verbal diarrhea about anything and everything as if anybody cares. Okay, that was mean, but seriously though...why don't people think about things before they speak, act, react, do, etc.? Whether it is deciding what shoes to buy or what job offer to accept, some sort of thinking is always necessary. Now obviously more thought goes into one versus the other..but I am tired of having to deal with such careless attitudes around me. Now I must clarify that it doesn't really bother me until it affects me..and I am strictly speaking my annoyance on those people who's behavior is directly affecting me.
I am sure that this can also be a strength at times. I can honestly say that there have been times when I stress myself out too much because I want to make the 'right decision' instead of just going with the flow. This is not good, and this is my own personal flaw that I am working on. Just like improving my running...it takes practice and baby steps. You can't push yourself too far, but you have to be honest about challenging yourself. At times you want to be selfish, and do what you want, and quit, and at other times you feel on top of the world, ready to run 26.2 miles (Go JB!) and be that carefree soul. Looks like I have a lot of practice ahead of me..
Tis all...
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