Why do we pass up good opportunities? What is it inside of us that makes us choose a different route or let something good pass by? Reflecting on my life, I can honestly say that I am proud of the things I have done and the decisions I have made. I do not necessarily regret anything, but I always wonder...what if? what if? what if? What if I had chosen to take that class? Would I be in a different field? What if I would have had maintained contact with that person? Would we be close? What would my romantic life be like if I had spoken up and told him how I felt? It is really amazing to know that our life is already written for us...yet we think we have all the control in the world.
See, I know this person that I feel is/has let opportunity pass him by. Let's call him....'Shawn'. See, 'Shawn' and I go way back. Lol...as far back as you can when you move every couple of years while your dad is in the military. Anyway..'Shawn' and I had a very...weird...relationship (I guess that is what we can call it). Not really, but something like that. 'Shawn' is very special to me, always has, and always will. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something special about that man. I think he is in my life for a reason...whether it is to learn something, be reminded of something, or just for those butterflies that I get when I am around him (every few years or so). I don't even talk to 'Shawn' on a daily...or very often at that..but when we do talk, whether it is about the weather, work, or memories, it is always refreshing. For the most part, we 'get' one another. Despite us being in several different relationships, me bearing a child with another man, living in another country, state, etc. he's always been very dear to me. I sit back and wonder...what if? what if? what if?
But unfortunately, life doesn't run on the what ifs. Life runs on the choose this, go here, and be that. I just want to live in the feel this, try that, and risk those. Living on the wild (but safe?) side. Putting fears aside, taking a chance, and putting it out there. Why do people live in this cocoon they make...ohhh..I don't want to let him/her in...ohhhh I'm to afraid to open up...ohhh that will never work...ohh that just doesn't make any sense. Now I am not saying go out and jump off a roof and risk dying...or go up and move to a different state without a plan or anything, or buy a brand new car without doing your research on it, but I am saying that I wish someone was down to take a risk with me. Despite being completely taken advantage of and treated like crap in my last relationship (he may have been my best friend..but he was a shitty ass boyfriend nonetheless), I am still very much excited to meeting that counterpart that will be just as fearless as me. Someone that is going to trust that I won't hurt them, and someone that I know would never hurt me. See that is what 'Shawn' is...someone I know would love me unconditionally...not only because of the bond we share, but because he is a good man. And we all know that good men don't come along very often. I am just wondering why a good man and a good woman cannot share something special because of logistics (distance, different places in life, blah blah, same shit different day). Anway, yes my feelings are there...but then again, maybe this is all just a fairytale I have created for the last 7 years of my life. Who knows?
All I know is, I am tired of being bored. I am tired of the same ol same ol. I have always been the grounded one...always been the smart one to make smart decisions..and I am grateful that I have been blessed with this quality..but I definitely need some excitement in my life. I am not the 16 year old I used to be..sneaking into Be Greens..getting pierced and tatted up...chilling up in the dorms and sweet talking the gate guard to get back on the base at 3 am. I am not the 21 year old stepping on the yard, posted up with the Kappas, hitting up Steak and Shake after the club, only to meet up with my boo that I had been texting aka sexting all night in between shots and a booty dance with some orgs' #6. I am not the graduate student that meets the ladies on a Wednesday night after class/work at Tantra for a drink only to go home and get up at the crack of dawn for the 6 AM shift at Devereux. I am not the new mommy who is frazzled with life, feeling crappy about my new mommy body and situation.
I am at yet another stage in my life. I find solace in this..knowing that I have it all together. I earned my degrees, I feel comfortable as a mommy, I have a good job...but now what? I don't want to pass up another opportunity...but first I need that opportunity to pop up. Anyone ready to take a risk?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Working from home..
So my office is under construction..it is cool. This means me and my team get to WORK FROM HOME. For those of you who have ever 'worked' from home, you already know what this means. It means we get to lounge around the house in our PJs and choose to work on cases, projects, etc. It means we can go to the gym or run an errand and then respond to our emails as we choose. Or does it? What do you guys do when you are 'working' from home? I mean, obviously we are held to the same standard as we would if we were at the office. In my field, an emergency email can come up any time..so you really have to be on it. Or do you? I just find this really interesting. Unfortunately, for the next 8 weeks I will be in training three days a week, so I won't really be able to reep ALL of the benefits that my co-workers are receiving...but it is still refreshing. I know some people won't work from home because they know they won't be productive. Our IT dude set up some computers in the conference room for people like my co-worker who KNOWS she won't do anything if she was at the house. Ehhhhh, whatever. I say if the opportunity arises...then take it...! Which leads me to my next blog entry...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Three Little Words
So I thought I would share with you all some interesting information. See, I looovee to read, but ever since the hours and hours and hours of reading I had to endure during college and grad school, reading just didn't seem so much fun anymore. Now that I am done with school and am no longer REQUIRED to read anything, I have decided to up my book game. It is funny, because I chose to research books within my field...specifically memoirs of individuals who suffered from abuse, drug addiction, domestic violence, etc. and where are they now. It's funny, I don't have to read books for school anymore, yet I am choosing to read professional books regarding my field...hmmm..I guess that reading thing was engrained in me during college after all.
Anyway, one of my foster moms told me she was reading a book entitled, "Three Little Words". She also told me she watched a movie called, "An American Crime"..I went out and saw it and I think everyone that works with children or in SW should go out and watch it. It was pretty darn good. Anywho, so I go to amazon.com and get a few books, including the above mentioned one. I got it because I was told it was about a young girl who tells her story of growing up in Fl, specifically Hillsborough county, and her experience in the foster care system and being abused by her foster parents. Interestingly, she was removed from her mom because her mom wasn't financially stable enough to care for her or her brother, yet she was placed in several foster homes, one that was abusive, and these people were paid to care for her...instead of providing her mother with the funds to care for her...that's how jacked up the system is. I have heard this scenario plenty of times. So I'm reading the story and all of the details sound errily familiar. I mean, some details were different like names and locations, but I just knew I had heard the story before...and I realized, I know this story...because a previous co-worker of mine lived it. She works in the system and she had told me about how she was adopted into a home and they abused her and she ended up suing, there was big drama with the attorney, and basically she walked away with pennies, while her attorney walked away with the majority of the settlement.
So I'm reading the story and something inside of me is like...nooo waaaayyy...this is the saaammme family that my co-worker was adopted by. I emailed her and asked her if her adoptive parents were named Charles and Margorie Moss...and sure enough...it was! I told her all about the book and asked if she knew the chick that wrote it. She said yes, but they had bad blood because apparently the jacked up attorney that "helped" aka robbed her and her siblings is related to this chick's adoptive mom. So while my girl was in the home for 8 something years (and was adopted) was being abused and walked away with chump change, the girl that wrote the book that was in the home for maybe 2 years (in foster care) is 'set for life' and making a buck off her (aka my co-workers) life story. I feel really bad about buying this chicks book...I owe my co-worker the $12 or so I spent on the book, because realllly she deserves it. I was really disappointed to hear that her and her siblings got screwed over so badly. I will say that I am so proud of her for getting to the point she is at now. She has a steady job, is extremeeeellllyyy supportive of her family (that are quite crazy, by the way), does hair and makeup on the side, and spends a lot of time inspiring/empowering youth. I remember so many days when our kids would tell her..."YOU grew up in foster care? You don't look like you grew up in care." She just smiles and reminds them of what they can achieve if they try hard enough.
Anyway...I guess this goes to show that there really are two sides to every story. This girl was recently in the local paper, on the Montell show, and doing other public events....all while my co-worker goes to her faithful job everyday, inspires youth, and remains humble to her experience.
Anyway, one of my foster moms told me she was reading a book entitled, "Three Little Words". She also told me she watched a movie called, "An American Crime"..I went out and saw it and I think everyone that works with children or in SW should go out and watch it. It was pretty darn good. Anywho, so I go to amazon.com and get a few books, including the above mentioned one. I got it because I was told it was about a young girl who tells her story of growing up in Fl, specifically Hillsborough county, and her experience in the foster care system and being abused by her foster parents. Interestingly, she was removed from her mom because her mom wasn't financially stable enough to care for her or her brother, yet she was placed in several foster homes, one that was abusive, and these people were paid to care for her...instead of providing her mother with the funds to care for her...that's how jacked up the system is. I have heard this scenario plenty of times. So I'm reading the story and all of the details sound errily familiar. I mean, some details were different like names and locations, but I just knew I had heard the story before...and I realized, I know this story...because a previous co-worker of mine lived it. She works in the system and she had told me about how she was adopted into a home and they abused her and she ended up suing, there was big drama with the attorney, and basically she walked away with pennies, while her attorney walked away with the majority of the settlement.
So I'm reading the story and something inside of me is like...nooo waaaayyy...this is the saaammme family that my co-worker was adopted by. I emailed her and asked her if her adoptive parents were named Charles and Margorie Moss...and sure enough...it was! I told her all about the book and asked if she knew the chick that wrote it. She said yes, but they had bad blood because apparently the jacked up attorney that "helped" aka robbed her and her siblings is related to this chick's adoptive mom. So while my girl was in the home for 8 something years (and was adopted) was being abused and walked away with chump change, the girl that wrote the book that was in the home for maybe 2 years (in foster care) is 'set for life' and making a buck off her (aka my co-workers) life story. I feel really bad about buying this chicks book...I owe my co-worker the $12 or so I spent on the book, because realllly she deserves it. I was really disappointed to hear that her and her siblings got screwed over so badly. I will say that I am so proud of her for getting to the point she is at now. She has a steady job, is extremeeeellllyyy supportive of her family (that are quite crazy, by the way), does hair and makeup on the side, and spends a lot of time inspiring/empowering youth. I remember so many days when our kids would tell her..."YOU grew up in foster care? You don't look like you grew up in care." She just smiles and reminds them of what they can achieve if they try hard enough.
Anyway...I guess this goes to show that there really are two sides to every story. This girl was recently in the local paper, on the Montell show, and doing other public events....all while my co-worker goes to her faithful job everyday, inspires youth, and remains humble to her experience.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Workin it all away...
Times have been sooo stressful recently. Mom is sick..again...as usual..another surgery...another recovery. My personal life has been crappy...he's dumb...and I'm done. Strangely, I feel a bit liberated, but it still is hurtful nonetheless. I am so proud of my recent ability to take things as a grain of salt. I am really taking things as life lessons. Something hurts, I say oh well, now I know, and attempt to move on.
But on top of that..work is heating up. Things are getting hectic and I wish I could do so much more than what I am allowed to at this point. I don't start training until April 27th, and I will be gone for 8 weeks. After that...I have an odd feeling that I am going to be THROWN INTO my caseload..cuz my girls are swamped. I am preparing all that I can now, so that I am not pulling my hair out with stress come June. We have a new supervisor too...mmm..let's just say that I know more about licensing than she does. I'm being open minded though...buuuttt nobody really feels like it is going to work....womp.
This entry is really boring. I just felt like I needed to update things. Nothing much new to my life..back to a schedule..and back to a routine. Ohhh...Mikel started a new daycare..it's a Christian daycare and he seems to like it. It is A BOATLOAD of money though..I mean serious..I might as well be paying a mortgage. His birthday is coming up next Friday. I am too excited..my baby is going to be ONE YEAR OLD. It's amazing how time fllliiieeeess by. TNX will definitely be in the house too. Although Miki's birthday is Friday, we are celebrating on Saturday, which is also TNX Founder's Day! Wooo hoo! It's a celebration biiitcchhheesss! On a GRREAATT note, I was totally swamped with planning for Mikel's birthday because all the help I was supposed to have backed out on me. But my gracious co-worker Tiff has offered to do the cooking! Woooo hoo! So all I have to worry about is decorating, picking up the cake, and Mikel. I am sooo grateful. She's a Godsend! Okay...let me stop here cuz I am just rambling...
out..
ps. check me out http://www.youtube.com/TNXMAMI
But on top of that..work is heating up. Things are getting hectic and I wish I could do so much more than what I am allowed to at this point. I don't start training until April 27th, and I will be gone for 8 weeks. After that...I have an odd feeling that I am going to be THROWN INTO my caseload..cuz my girls are swamped. I am preparing all that I can now, so that I am not pulling my hair out with stress come June. We have a new supervisor too...mmm..let's just say that I know more about licensing than she does. I'm being open minded though...buuuttt nobody really feels like it is going to work....womp.
This entry is really boring. I just felt like I needed to update things. Nothing much new to my life..back to a schedule..and back to a routine. Ohhh...Mikel started a new daycare..it's a Christian daycare and he seems to like it. It is A BOATLOAD of money though..I mean serious..I might as well be paying a mortgage. His birthday is coming up next Friday. I am too excited..my baby is going to be ONE YEAR OLD. It's amazing how time fllliiieeeess by. TNX will definitely be in the house too. Although Miki's birthday is Friday, we are celebrating on Saturday, which is also TNX Founder's Day! Wooo hoo! It's a celebration biiitcchhheesss! On a GRREAATT note, I was totally swamped with planning for Mikel's birthday because all the help I was supposed to have backed out on me. But my gracious co-worker Tiff has offered to do the cooking! Woooo hoo! So all I have to worry about is decorating, picking up the cake, and Mikel. I am sooo grateful. She's a Godsend! Okay...let me stop here cuz I am just rambling...
out..
ps. check me out http://www.youtube.com/TNXMAMI
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