Wow. Really? Over? over over over...all done..so sad..but so necessary. tired, tired, crazy disappointed..fusspointed..aw memories. that is all they all..memories now. no more future, no more together, no more us. lines are crossed, feelings are hurt, words are spewed, you a crazy..without a doubt, crazy crazy crazy confused. i don't know either. reorganization, fixing my life. helping my son be the best he can be and the best i can be without you..no more no more no more. it's like time is erased, the last two years a blur, a good and bad blur, with butterflies, with scary thoughts, with the breeze..like when you ride a roller coaster and keep yours eyes shut the whole time and when you finally get the courage to open your eyes you feel amazingly free, only to be disappointed that the ride comes to an end within a few moments. why do we wait so long to keep open our eyes? are we afraid of what we will see? are we afraid we might see our own death...no...it's just natural, natural, natural. you see, i always keep my eyes wide open on a roller coaster. i find it exhilirating, but for the first time in my life..i kept them closed. this way i could see what i wanted to see, feel what i wanted to feel, created my own memories while remaining blinded to what was really going on. us social workers call this a coping mechanism...it sure does work for me..does it mean it is healthy? who knows? long hair..don't care.
sprig sprig, alto, arriba! listening to him play with his toy and seeing him grow and live and feel. oh how i long to be a kid again. that way someone can take care of me, cater to me, live for me...i would run things again. instead, i am stuck being an adult...single mom with a one year old living with the parents in a place i really don't want to be. i thought i would be married by now and not even thinking about kids yet. funny how it works out huh? it is amazing how life changes quicker than a blink...the other night..quick fast and in a hurry..done over done over done over done over. wow. just left sitting there with my mouth wide open, my eyes watering and blinking from disbelief, and shaking from anger...all while he sleeps peacefully and has no idea that mommy and daddy are using angry words. wish wash..w.a.s.h. to be exact..only she knows what it means. yet another struggle, again, peace, again, peace, again, peace...the natural rythmn that we create for ourselves. up down up down up down up down...tantrums along the way...break time...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I'm back!
Hola people,
I have been MIA since the start of my new job and I thoroughly apologize for not keeping up with my blog. Oh boy..I have been adjusting to my new schedule and job quite well, but still haven't figured it out completely. My blog game has been slacking, gym game slacking, everything just all throw off.
My job has been going great. I love my co-workers and the job itself is great. I'm a little disappointed in myself because I wanted to get right to it and get a caseload but I had to pass the pre-service waiver first. Well people, I failed the waiver exam by TWO POINTS! Two measly points, so now I have to sit through 8 weeks of training that I already did in 2007. Don't get me wrong, the information is good and it really is helpful...it just is a personal defeat for myself. On top of that, my co-workers are struggling to keep afloat because they have a lot of families they are working with. To top it off, training doesn't even start until mid to late April. So for now, I am helping where I can and doing simple things for the cases and having them check my work. I just really wanted to get in there and help them. We are the top foster home licensing agency in the Tampa area (out of three others) and we are the smallest agency. See, other licensing agencies have 8-10 employees, all that do one piece of the puzzle. One person does the recruitment stuff (attending orientations, initially meeting the families, hosting training), another only does the initial licensing work, another only does the relicensing work, one actually monitors the family, etc. Well, with my agency, there are only 4 of us and we do alllllll the work. There is no breakdown on who does what...nope, we all have families and we all do everything. These ladies are phenomenal woman...getting the work done all while managing their relationships and lives. Don't get me wrong..there are long hours...last week I didn't get home until 9:45 PM..but it isn't always that way. Things can only go up..but I feel good about my position and the people I work with.
What I am struggling with is being away from my son. It feels as if I have been with him up until he was 11 months old, but I know it was only in December when I finished my internship. I swear, those four months of interning and being away from him seem like a blur compared to the time apart now. It is even harder because he is becoming more expressive and emotional. He definitely tells me when he misses me, is angry, upset, everything. My little man is growing up and it is really hard when I only see him for an hour in the morning and when I get home he is already asleep and put to bed ;-( . Mark has been a great help...I am so glad that he is getting the opportunity to spend quality time with our son and get to know him in a way that he hasn't been able to due to the distance between us (me in Riverview, him in St. Pete).
Things are really good for me right now. Other than the fact that I feel like a blob because I have been slipping on going to the gym, I am pretty darn happy. Mikel's first birthday is coming up and we will actually be celebrating on TNX's Founders Day (April 11th). Still don't know who is coming and I have heard that some have flaked out on the plans...but I will enjoy the day all the same whether people decide to celebrate with me or not. It is amazing how a year flies by...
one love
I have been MIA since the start of my new job and I thoroughly apologize for not keeping up with my blog. Oh boy..I have been adjusting to my new schedule and job quite well, but still haven't figured it out completely. My blog game has been slacking, gym game slacking, everything just all throw off.
My job has been going great. I love my co-workers and the job itself is great. I'm a little disappointed in myself because I wanted to get right to it and get a caseload but I had to pass the pre-service waiver first. Well people, I failed the waiver exam by TWO POINTS! Two measly points, so now I have to sit through 8 weeks of training that I already did in 2007. Don't get me wrong, the information is good and it really is helpful...it just is a personal defeat for myself. On top of that, my co-workers are struggling to keep afloat because they have a lot of families they are working with. To top it off, training doesn't even start until mid to late April. So for now, I am helping where I can and doing simple things for the cases and having them check my work. I just really wanted to get in there and help them. We are the top foster home licensing agency in the Tampa area (out of three others) and we are the smallest agency. See, other licensing agencies have 8-10 employees, all that do one piece of the puzzle. One person does the recruitment stuff (attending orientations, initially meeting the families, hosting training), another only does the initial licensing work, another only does the relicensing work, one actually monitors the family, etc. Well, with my agency, there are only 4 of us and we do alllllll the work. There is no breakdown on who does what...nope, we all have families and we all do everything. These ladies are phenomenal woman...getting the work done all while managing their relationships and lives. Don't get me wrong..there are long hours...last week I didn't get home until 9:45 PM..but it isn't always that way. Things can only go up..but I feel good about my position and the people I work with.
What I am struggling with is being away from my son. It feels as if I have been with him up until he was 11 months old, but I know it was only in December when I finished my internship. I swear, those four months of interning and being away from him seem like a blur compared to the time apart now. It is even harder because he is becoming more expressive and emotional. He definitely tells me when he misses me, is angry, upset, everything. My little man is growing up and it is really hard when I only see him for an hour in the morning and when I get home he is already asleep and put to bed ;-( . Mark has been a great help...I am so glad that he is getting the opportunity to spend quality time with our son and get to know him in a way that he hasn't been able to due to the distance between us (me in Riverview, him in St. Pete).
Things are really good for me right now. Other than the fact that I feel like a blob because I have been slipping on going to the gym, I am pretty darn happy. Mikel's first birthday is coming up and we will actually be celebrating on TNX's Founders Day (April 11th). Still don't know who is coming and I have heard that some have flaked out on the plans...but I will enjoy the day all the same whether people decide to celebrate with me or not. It is amazing how a year flies by...
one love
Monday, March 2, 2009
Back To Reality
Today was the first day on the new job. My job title is Adoptions/Fostercare Recruiter but it is slightly inaccurate and will be changing soon. Basically, I license individuals be reputable foster parents and train them on how to have safe foster homes. Not only do I recruit families to be foster parents, but I guide them through the licensing process and keep in contact with them to make sure everything is going smoothly. At first, I thought it would be just a position until I find something better, but today has made me feel much more positive. Don't get me wrong...no matter how I feel about my job, I am going to always put my best foward and get the work done..it's just a matter of how much I vent and gripe about it when I get home. As a professional, it is important to act that way and not let your personal feelings into your job performance (although this can be extremely difficult to do in my field).
Anyway, so I go to my first day of training and think everyone is just great. Everyone from my HR Coordinator, to my boss, to my team, the adminstrative guru, the IT guy..everyone..all seem friendly and helpful. I have heard about Children's Homes Society through colleagues and friends that have worked in this agency. I have heard plenty of bad things, seen a lot of chaos, and frustration...honestlty, it probably is the nature of the positions..case management is a difficult job for ANYONE. These people should be treated better and paid much more for all the work and dedication they are DEMANDED to put forth. Anywho..Adoptions (well I will really only being doing foster care) seems so much more organized, put together, and less stressful. I always knew this division was much slower so that definitely helps. I am working hand in hand with three other ladies..two around my age...and one older lady..and they all seem to be a blast. When I arrived at my cubicle they had a huge WELCOME sign already made for me and seemed eager to get to know me. It was a comforting feeling. First days are always awkward and scary, so it put me at ease.
I must note that I interviewed for this job waaayyy back in October or November...it was a loonng time ago. I never heard anything back, so I figured I didn't get the position. In fact, this was the very firs job interview I went on in Tampa. I get a call from HR about two weeks ago telling me that they are interested in me and wondered if I was still looking for work. I was shocked. I told them yes, told them my expected salary offer, and Mery from HR was off to put in my offer. Well, they came pretty darn close to it, gave me a call back a week later and asked if I was ready to start training. Fast forward to today and my boss is telling me that he wanted to let me know that right off the bat, he knew I was the one for the job (and I also know a lot of people interviewed for the posiiton). He also said that they took so long in contacting me because their was some internal changes occuring and they were trying to decide on whether they should fill my position or alocate the budget toward another supervisor position. Ultimately, they chose me! I was beyond flattered and excited. It seems as if the three of them (the ladies I will be working with) really value how close knit they are and how they 'have one another's backs'. Let's just say..I feel welcomed into the family ;-)
We will see how it goes! Look foward to many more adventures lol..
Anyway, so I go to my first day of training and think everyone is just great. Everyone from my HR Coordinator, to my boss, to my team, the adminstrative guru, the IT guy..everyone..all seem friendly and helpful. I have heard about Children's Homes Society through colleagues and friends that have worked in this agency. I have heard plenty of bad things, seen a lot of chaos, and frustration...honestlty, it probably is the nature of the positions..case management is a difficult job for ANYONE. These people should be treated better and paid much more for all the work and dedication they are DEMANDED to put forth. Anywho..Adoptions (well I will really only being doing foster care) seems so much more organized, put together, and less stressful. I always knew this division was much slower so that definitely helps. I am working hand in hand with three other ladies..two around my age...and one older lady..and they all seem to be a blast. When I arrived at my cubicle they had a huge WELCOME sign already made for me and seemed eager to get to know me. It was a comforting feeling. First days are always awkward and scary, so it put me at ease.
I must note that I interviewed for this job waaayyy back in October or November...it was a loonng time ago. I never heard anything back, so I figured I didn't get the position. In fact, this was the very firs job interview I went on in Tampa. I get a call from HR about two weeks ago telling me that they are interested in me and wondered if I was still looking for work. I was shocked. I told them yes, told them my expected salary offer, and Mery from HR was off to put in my offer. Well, they came pretty darn close to it, gave me a call back a week later and asked if I was ready to start training. Fast forward to today and my boss is telling me that he wanted to let me know that right off the bat, he knew I was the one for the job (and I also know a lot of people interviewed for the posiiton). He also said that they took so long in contacting me because their was some internal changes occuring and they were trying to decide on whether they should fill my position or alocate the budget toward another supervisor position. Ultimately, they chose me! I was beyond flattered and excited. It seems as if the three of them (the ladies I will be working with) really value how close knit they are and how they 'have one another's backs'. Let's just say..I feel welcomed into the family ;-)
We will see how it goes! Look foward to many more adventures lol..
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