...Train Wreck...

Disclaimer: This post is painful. This post is honest, blunt, and chock full of very raw feelings. Feel free to skip if it may stir up your own issues OR if most likely I am talking about you...I just need to vent..yet another free write so it may not make any sense..

woke up today and bam! train wreck on my chest, heart, back, body, just sooooooo ouch. painful mess painful mess. last night was the worst worst worst conversation in my ENTIRE life. i mean damn, never been met with such genuine and core feelings. i know he wasn't trying to hurt me, i know his intentions were to not completely flip my world, second guess my existance, or to bring pain. i could see on his face how sincere he was being. with that being said, it didn't make it any easier. i mean damn, nobody likes to hear about themselves...ever, especially not me, chick with an attitude. as he was laying down feeling after feeling, observation after observation, thought after thought, i saw his handsome face looking at me and then i saw my ex, and then i saw some sorors, and then i saw a friend, and then i saw my family all staring back at me saying pretty much the same thing..you need to change, taina. your attitude, the way you talk to people, you expect this, that, and the other. it's like woooow. woooow wooooow wooooow. maybe my ex wasn't so crazy after all. maybe the reason why my little family failed WAS indeed because of me..amongst other things.. nah i still think that man is crazy though. but the reality of it is, is that my love is feeling things i would have never wanted anybody to experience. i am tired of damaging others. granted, a GIGANTIC part of me thinks people need to suck it up and deal with me and accept me. if i have to accept everyone else's flaws and idocrocies, then they need to accept me and my flaws too. give and take, common exchange, but i felt like he wasn't willing to give unless i gave first. he said he didn't want to be selfish...wellllll bullshit. you are being selfish, but i understand why. my best friend? is that a joke? i have known you for how long? and you are just now bringing this shit to my attention? he said he didn't know, he didn't realize, it didn't hit him until i started trippin. well NO, that is not fair. you were just fine until i started having fears, doubts, anxieties, apprehensions. i thought i could share that with my friend, my lover, my kin...buuuttt backfire. boom! shot in the face...stabbed in the back..,stabbed in the heart. i wanted you to fight for us...so maybe that is why i was acting a mess...and nope, you didn't fight..you just fell back..waaayyy back, as always. too laissez fair for me. i like plans, organizations, but i do adapt to change along the way. let it ride? how the hell does that work? really? you are talking about my life, me, my core being. i am willing to change..but NOT FOR HIM..NOT FOR YOU..solely for me. because too many people have repeated the same shit to me over, and over, again. i get it, i hear it, and maybe it took someone i really care about and trust...wait..trust..not so sure anymore..because you don't even trust yourself. you don't even know how you feel until it hits you. makes no sense. you are in control of yourself, your thoughts, your feelings..you act like there is a third party..you, me, and your brain. figure yourself out while i figure myself out. but anyway, back to my original thought. i am willing to change because i want to be better..benefit me as a communicator, as a worker, as a parent....oh so much as a parent. only makes sense because it appears it is a good possibility that it will be me and my son together forever...so i need to get it right now..for him, for me, not for you. if you are here for the 'ride' then i guess it is for you too. can't believe, can't believe, wtf happened. i brought it, but you took it to the next level. one shitty week leads to allll this. man, speak up. i can't fix what i don't know. i'm thinking things are good..why? because that is what i am told...the little that i am told. be real, be honest..you stay doing that...so not fair. how does a partnership work with dishonesty or omission? now i am getting mad mad mad, feeling angry, and already resentful. i tell you to not be black and white, but THIS my dear, can only be black and white. i cannot be friends with you. that just will not work. how long did i wait? i didn't wait for this, i can tell you that. ended and left feeling like..errrr i dunno. ummmm yeah...mmmm kay...well, sure? i know that life is too short for mess and complications. unconditional means a lot to me, and if you aren't able to do that, then step. feeling up feeling down feeling proud..too proud..feeling angry, thrown off, caught off guard, insecure and mostly vulnerable...but i'm okay with that. why? because that is what growin up means. internal demons, personal issues...so it's time to work on them, for me, not for you. i cannot say that enough. for me, not for you, for me, not for you. change takes time and i am excited about my journey...just hope you are there with me...but only if you are working on your own progression. besides, too many people want this to work for us, we don't want to disappoint the fans...Jay-Z and B split? nah never that...or maybe....wish things could go back back back to age 21...nah before that. lookin at our old pics and i just see see see the love, see the feelings, see the friendship. better as friends? hmmmm? i can't wrap my head around that. fall back fall back fall back....just let it go....out, out, out of my mind...

fin