...Train Wreck...

Disclaimer: This post is painful. This post is honest, blunt, and chock full of very raw feelings. Feel free to skip if it may stir up your own issues OR if most likely I am talking about you...I just need to vent..yet another free write so it may not make any sense..

woke up today and bam! train wreck on my chest, heart, back, body, just sooooooo ouch. painful mess painful mess. last night was the worst worst worst conversation in my ENTIRE life. i mean damn, never been met with such genuine and core feelings. i know he wasn't trying to hurt me, i know his intentions were to not completely flip my world, second guess my existance, or to bring pain. i could see on his face how sincere he was being. with that being said, it didn't make it any easier. i mean damn, nobody likes to hear about themselves...ever, especially not me, chick with an attitude. as he was laying down feeling after feeling, observation after observation, thought after thought, i saw his handsome face looking at me and then i saw my ex, and then i saw some sorors, and then i saw a friend, and then i saw my family all staring back at me saying pretty much the same thing..you need to change, taina. your attitude, the way you talk to people, you expect this, that, and the other. it's like woooow. woooow wooooow wooooow. maybe my ex wasn't so crazy after all. maybe the reason why my little family failed WAS indeed because of me..amongst other things.. nah i still think that man is crazy though. but the reality of it is, is that my love is feeling things i would have never wanted anybody to experience. i am tired of damaging others. granted, a GIGANTIC part of me thinks people need to suck it up and deal with me and accept me. if i have to accept everyone else's flaws and idocrocies, then they need to accept me and my flaws too. give and take, common exchange, but i felt like he wasn't willing to give unless i gave first. he said he didn't want to be selfish...wellllll bullshit. you are being selfish, but i understand why. my best friend? is that a joke? i have known you for how long? and you are just now bringing this shit to my attention? he said he didn't know, he didn't realize, it didn't hit him until i started trippin. well NO, that is not fair. you were just fine until i started having fears, doubts, anxieties, apprehensions. i thought i could share that with my friend, my lover, my kin...buuuttt backfire. boom! shot in the face...stabbed in the back..,stabbed in the heart. i wanted you to fight for us...so maybe that is why i was acting a mess...and nope, you didn't fight..you just fell back..waaayyy back, as always. too laissez fair for me. i like plans, organizations, but i do adapt to change along the way. let it ride? how the hell does that work? really? you are talking about my life, me, my core being. i am willing to change..but NOT FOR HIM..NOT FOR YOU..solely for me. because too many people have repeated the same shit to me over, and over, again. i get it, i hear it, and maybe it took someone i really care about and trust...wait..trust..not so sure anymore..because you don't even trust yourself. you don't even know how you feel until it hits you. makes no sense. you are in control of yourself, your thoughts, your feelings..you act like there is a third party..you, me, and your brain. figure yourself out while i figure myself out. but anyway, back to my original thought. i am willing to change because i want to be better..benefit me as a communicator, as a worker, as a parent....oh so much as a parent. only makes sense because it appears it is a good possibility that it will be me and my son together forever...so i need to get it right now..for him, for me, not for you. if you are here for the 'ride' then i guess it is for you too. can't believe, can't believe, wtf happened. i brought it, but you took it to the next level. one shitty week leads to allll this. man, speak up. i can't fix what i don't know. i'm thinking things are good..why? because that is what i am told...the little that i am told. be real, be honest..you stay doing that...so not fair. how does a partnership work with dishonesty or omission? now i am getting mad mad mad, feeling angry, and already resentful. i tell you to not be black and white, but THIS my dear, can only be black and white. i cannot be friends with you. that just will not work. how long did i wait? i didn't wait for this, i can tell you that. ended and left feeling like..errrr i dunno. ummmm yeah...mmmm kay...well, sure? i know that life is too short for mess and complications. unconditional means a lot to me, and if you aren't able to do that, then step. feeling up feeling down feeling proud..too proud..feeling angry, thrown off, caught off guard, insecure and mostly vulnerable...but i'm okay with that. why? because that is what growin up means. internal demons, personal issues...so it's time to work on them, for me, not for you. i cannot say that enough. for me, not for you, for me, not for you. change takes time and i am excited about my journey...just hope you are there with me...but only if you are working on your own progression. besides, too many people want this to work for us, we don't want to disappoint the fans...Jay-Z and B split? nah never that...or maybe....wish things could go back back back to age 21...nah before that. lookin at our old pics and i just see see see the love, see the feelings, see the friendship. better as friends? hmmmm? i can't wrap my head around that. fall back fall back fall back....just let it go....out, out, out of my mind...

fin

Out, out, out of my mind..

I haven't done one of these in a LOOOONNNG time (see my first few blog entries)..so here goes:

WTF Man..FML..just so many thought. New computer new keys boards boards, shaved head? what just read her entry, wow, work out i need to get back back back to the routine, main scheme the plan, why are things so fucked up, oops i cursed, do people mind? just don't care? care care...whatever dude, really? silence, distance, can hurt hurt hurt, the pain take it away please take it away. I want to see him, hate to love him, am I trippin, I dunno? question question lady walking, red spandex ha ha i had to laugh, blue dot blue dot, where are my palettes? hong kong, this isn't working. mind is solid, trying to break the ice just let it melt come down down down don't freeze tai, open up, don't be afraid. he's pushing me away, but i'm doing the same same same time frame time frame love it, hate this. words aren't right, my release is not happening. this isn't like me. why do i let it get to me? save the world? i can't..but i try..oh do i try..work hard, save our kids, help out parents, thought about foster care? i'm your girl, just let me know. should i send or not send? will it damage the soul? eh, do i care? of course i do. i don't want to hurt, but i kind of want them to know what i feel, hmmm, i never held my breath or my tongue before so why now? oh yeah, time for change. upgrade, begin to mature mature mature. not trying to use kid gloves for adults anymore. so annoying, just grow the fuck up. multitask, you should try it. thinking positive, you should try it. was i trippin? nah, he trippin. i don't care care care care, pattern, pitter patter pitter patter, these bars are fire, fire fire, smoothies, yum. vacay, i need one. cruise, i am ready. bahamas here we come..NOT got like 4 months. need the passport, i will get on it soon. dominique says thanks and i say your welcome welcome welcome, made her smile, they need my help but they need to help themselves, get it right ladies, step it up, seeing it crumble dark dark dark wtf man i would be pissed. comes in threes yup preggo, not i said the cat, fox, dog, horse, chimp, ha ha ra ha ha, iota iota iota, gamma gamma gamma, theta nu xi till I die, need to start the planning, happy birthday baby, you are two years old and mommy loves you. did my good dead, dropped off his clothes to my foster parent who needed it it it it, craziness, love stinks, only sometimes. bring it back back back to april 26? can't remember the exact day. so in love love love with him..or the thought? do i want? or do i don't? ehhhhhh no clue clue clue, i just vent. i need more, i ALWAYS need more, selfish bitch. can't hold it inside, nope, too hard, i gotta just let it goooooo.....

fin

Lush Review: Brazened Honey Fresh Face Mask

I have been using Brazened Honey fresh face mask by Lush for a few months now and it is my absolute favorite! Normally I use my Queen Helene Mint Juliepe mask but every blue moon I like to switch it up. If you have tried Lush's Love Lettuce face mask and want to bump it up a notch then you would love this product!

Description: "A powerhouse of effective ingredients for all tired skins, exfoliating, detoxifying, stimulating, and nourishing. Refreshing herbs and fruit juice are blended with warming Ayurvedic herbs and spices. With ground almonds to polish and moisturizing honey, this blend leaves the skin vibrant and revitalized. Apply to clean skin, avoiding the eye area. Leave for five to ten minutes, then rinse with warm water massage gently. Keep chilled."

BEFORE the mask sans makeup

AFTER the mask (see how bright!)

Pros: I love the smell of this for some reason. It's not a sweet smell, but you can definitely smell the mix of herbs, spices, and honey. Since it is refrigerated it feels so cooling to the skin when you lather it on your face. It is chock full of ground almonds so there are definitely exfoliating properties. I can literally feel it taking the toxins out of my skin and penetrating deeply. When I wash it off, my face ALWAYS looks instantly brighter and more even. I have noticed a huge difference in the texture/blotchy spots on my face. I use less foundation nowadays because my skin is more even. Also, my skin appears to stay less oily when I use this consistently. Overall, I get this gorgeous glow after using this product.

Also, at $5.95 it's not too expensive. I can get about 4 masks out of one jar and I use a pretty thick layer. If you save five black pots, you get a free face mask! All of Lush's masks are time sensitive because they are made with FRESH ingredients which means that the lifespan of the masks is normally about two weeks...so use it or lose it!

Cons: The color reminds me of baby poo, but it's really not that serious. I don't know if I would recommend this for extremely sensitive skin because it can feel a tad bit tingly.

Try it out!!!!!

LOTD: Neutral Gold/Wine Eyes

I recently purchased two palettes by NYX cosmetics. I am sooo in love with these palettes and NYX cosmetics in generally. I really wanted to do more neutral looks with my eyes that are work appropriate but always felt like I was doing the same looks over and over again or just looked too blah!




I went with The Runway Collection (Strike a Pose open on the right) and For Your Eyes Only (Mysterious Brown Eyes open on the left) palettes. I love the brown eyes palette because it is full of colors that make brown eyes stand out. Both of these are dope and have 10 colors each. Color payoff is great and NYX is really affordable. I have come up with two weeks full of looks so far and they all look so nice! I bought them from cherryculture.com for $8 each.



I decided to go with a golden/cream/wine colored neutral eye today. I wore navy slacks, a cream top, a camel colored belt, and my dark red pumps to work. Hope you like and check out these palettes!




PS. I wanted to do a nude lip with a nude eye to give me a more androgynous look, but feel free to spice up the lip if you want!

Products Used:

Face: Neutragena face moisturizer for Oily skin, Boscia Skin Perfecting Primer (t-zone), Monistat Anti-Chafing Gel as primer, Maybelline Dream Liquid Foundation in Caramel w/ Sephora's stippling brush, MAC NC45 Studio stick concealer, Everyday Minerals Peach concealer to set the NC45, Everyday Minerals Finishing Dust and Matte Tan foundation (little bit) mixed together to set my foundation, MAC Fix+ after foundation was set to create a dewy look

Eyes: Two NYX Palettes above, Jordana Fabuliner in Black, NYX Sahara as highlight, Loreal Voluminous mascara in Black, NYC Eyebrow in Brunette

Cheeks: Maybelline Expert Wear Blush in Apricot Flush (great for AA and tan skin) and NYX Mosaic powder in Love (orange)

Lips: NYX Creamy Beige round lipstick (my fav nude) and Sally Hansen lip plumper (the golden peach one)

Holllaaaa!

Mommy Tip: Dealing w/ Yucky Antibiotics?

This is a quick to for all the mommies out there. Mikel has a terrible sinus infection that he hasn't been able to shake for months. They did a culture swab during his past surgery for tubes and adenoidectomy and the results came back that the particular strans of bacteria causing this sinus infection are not killed by typical antibiotics. The solution? Let's prescribe my little baby a nasty, yucky rotten egg smelling antibiotic that he has to take for THREE WEEKS...THREE TIMES A DAY!!!

Normally I just mix it in with his milk but he seemed to catch on to that. Yeah...sooo he already HATES taking antibiotics so I figured out a clever way to get him to take it no problem.

ICE CREAM!!!!!

First I had the medication flavored at my local pharmacy. I know both CVS and Walgreens offer flavoring services for $2.99 but Walmart does not (they claim all their meds already come flavored...umm no). He likes the Banana and Bubblegum flavors. This time I got it done in Banana. Then I bought him sugar free Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. Take only a tablespoon or less and put it in a small bowl. Measure the antibiotic amount and mix it into the ice cream. Viola! An instant antibiotic smoothie lol!

He has to take this med THREE times a day so I will probably mix and mingle with ice cream, applesauce, yogurt, and pudding. Just be sure to not dilute it too much! Have fun and be creative with the flavors. Good luck and hope it works for you and your sick little one!

Quick Tip: Making the Most of Your Lotion!

As a woman of color, it is absolutely essential to use body lotion. My favorite body lotion to use is Jergens Ultimate Healing formula as this is the ONLY lotion I can apply at night and not have to feel like I have to reapply the next morning. I take my showers at night and cannot stand getting dressed in the steamy bathroom so I usually grab a towel, dry off, and then head to my room to get dressed and lotion up. A few weeks back I went on vacation and had to get dressed in the hotel bathroom and this is when I came across this useful tip to make the most of my body lotion.


After taking your shower, while the bathroom is still steamy, take a towel and dry off. Your skin should still be slightly moist. Then go ahead and apply your body lotion while still in the bathroom. The moisture in the air and the slight dampness on your skin will allow your lotion to penetrate and moisturize your skin. Now when you are done, grab your towel and head to the room and get dressed. I find that letting things air dry really helps, instead of wiping off the excess.

I notice I don't have to use as much lotion when I do this and my skin feels much softer. Good luck!

Hand Sanitizer Lotion??!!

I spotted this new product: Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer Moisturizer a couple of months ago in Walmart. They had a bottle available as a tester so I went ahead and tried it out! I fell in love. I recently bought the mini travel tube for about $3.97 at Walmart and cannot stop using it!

Pros:

• Smells really nice. It smells like a nice, clean, hand moisturizer with a bit of sanitizer smell. Not too powerful but not too light.
• I like the size of the small tube. It's small enough to have a decent amount of product but not too big to be bulky for the purse.
  
• Leaves my hands feeling really silky and moisturized but not at all greasy. Leaves my hands feeling this way for several hours.
  
• Leaves my hands feeling clean. You can tell that there is sanitizer mixed in but it does not smell like alcohol or burn.
• You can apply this several times a day and not feel too greasy or dried out from the sanitizer. Definitely notice that my hands are much softer.
  
• Keeps my cuticles moisturized because I am more apt to use it during the day because I know I am killing 99.9% of germs (so it claims).
  

Cons:

• Pricey. I am not happy about paying almost $4 for a mini tube of lotion.

You guys should check this out!

**FTC Disclaimer: I purchased this product with my own money and am not affiliated with the companies mentioned. I am not receiving compensation for this review/product and these are my sole opinions.**

Review: Bio Ionic OnePass 1.5" Nano-Ceramic Straightening Iron

Hello!
So for Christmas my honey bought me a new flat iron that I had my eye on. I first saw the Bio Ionic OnePass on itsjudytime's YouTube and instantly had to have it!

I have extremely curly hair and had not found the perfect flat iron for my head. I dread having to blow dry and straighten my hair because it would take forever! Not anymore! I went from this:


to this:



Yes. I am wearing different clothing and have makeup on in the second set of pics because I got ready for the day...duh! Also, the first pics were taken with the flash on and see how dull my hair looks? The second set of pics were taken with no flash and it appears shinier! The only additional product in my hair in the second set of pics is my heat protectant spray.

Blow drying still takes forever because I haven't found a good quality one that I am willing to spend money on, but the Bio Ionic OnePass is definitely a must! I must note that when taking these pics, I needed a haircut and trim BADLY because my ends were a mess. See how the OnePass smooths out the rough ends? Don't worry, I have had a haircut since this!

Pros:

• It literally straightened my hair with "one pass" of the iron. No more have to go over each section of hair 4 or 5 times to get rid of the frizz.
• It conditions as it straightens. This iron gives my hair a shine that I have never experienced from a flat iron.
• Smooths out the hair completely My ends didn't look as damaged after using this iron.
  
• The edges are rounded so you can make curls too. I am still perfecting this technique, but it is possible!
• Heats up to 400 degrees Fahrenheit which is great for hard to straighten hair.
  

Cons:

• I should have gotten the 1". I like the 1.5" but think I would do better with the curls with a smaller iron. It's not extremely bulky, but a thinner barrel is easier to work with in my opinion.
  
• Only comes in white. It's not that big of deal, but you need to be sure to wipe it down after each use or product buildup becomes noticeable much easier.
• I don't like that the light blinks the entire time it is on. I would much rather it blink up until it reaches the desired/set temperature and then stop blinking once it is the right heat.
• It is a bit pricey if you are on a budget (I got it for about $105 including shipping) from amazon.com.

Overall, this is the best flat iron I have used! I am thinking about getting a smaller/thinner one so I will keep you updated!

**FTC Disclaimer: This product was purchased for me as a gift from my hubby. I am not affiliated with any of the companies/products mentioned in any way. These are my honest opinions and I am not being compensated in any way.**

Hair Tip: Hair Not Holding a Curl??

You all know my hair is naturally curly and on a regular basis this is how it looks:



When it is colder out I take advantage of the dryer weather and wear my hair straightened! However, when I try to put curls in my hair (via flat iron or curling iron), they just do not STAY (go figure!?)! Normally when you first curl your hair you should be able to run your fingers through it or lightly brush it to make the curls bigger, bouncier, and full of volume. NOPE! When I run my fingers through it..the curl comes right out! If it does happen to stay..it falls flat within half an hour.

Sooooo what to what, what to do? The key to holding a curl is: HAIRSPRAY! Also, be sure you are allowing ample time for your hot tool to heat up. Turn it on and then go do your makeup or take a shower. On average, I turn mine on about 15 minutes prior to using. Depending on your hair type, you may need a higher heat setting (400 to 500 degrees even!). Coarser and thicker hair need more heat, so allow your tool enough time to reach its maximum heat for your hair type.

Follow the steps below to make your hair hold a curl.

Items needed:
Hairspray: Two kinds
-Flexible hairspray - This is that kind of hairspray that puts a light hold to your hair, but won't crust or flake when you run a brush through it. I used TRESemme Frizz Shield Finishing Spray and bought it at Walmart.
- Stiff hairspray - This is that shell-ac type of hairspray that you would use for teasing or a super duper hold. I used Beyond the Zone Frozen Stiff and bought it at Sally's Beauty Supply
Hair clip/Hair tie
Heat Protection spray: I used Beyond the Zone Turn up the Heat protection spray bought at Sally's.
Flat iron or Curling Iron to make those curls!

Step ONE: Prep your hair with whatever leave in treatment or heat protectant you use
Step TWO: Section your hair using your clip or hair tie. I do a bottom layer and a top layer
Step Three: Lightly spray the section with your flexible hairspray. I do not recommend spraying each individual section prior to curling unless you want a stiffer look. Just spray the whole layer. Run your fingers through.
Step Four: Curl your hair. They say that curls with a flat iron last longer but it takes some practice to do this technique. Alternate directions of the curl to give it a more natural look.
Step Five: Repeat the process with your next section . The initial hairspray should have made the curls be more defined. If not, add more hairspray to the layer.
Step Six: Once the curling is done, lightly comb your fingers through the curls. Tease or shake it out to create volume.
Step Seven: Spray your whole head with your stiff hairspray. I really like the BTZ Frozen Stiff because it gives a great hold but doesn't make my hair feel crispy. It still looks natural and moves.
Step Eight: Put on a smile and rock those curls!


This was my end result:




Anywho...this process works! I went a whole day at work, plus a trip to the mall, and when I got home my curls were still intact. In fact, today was the first time I tried this and on my way to the job I stopped to get gas and this man with beautifully long dreadlocks got out of his car to hand me a flyer to his beauty salon. He said I had BEAUTIFUL hair and would love to provide me with any hair services I may need. That was a plussss!

Good luck ladies..

*FTC Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with any companies mentioned and am not being paid to use the products. These are my sole suggestions, opinions, and thoughts.

Keeping the Teeth Squeaky Clean..

Hey all,
Yes I am alive! I wanted to stop by and tell you about my NEW best friend!...

Ta Da!

This is the Oral-B Vitality Dual Clean battery operated toothbrush and it is AWESOME! FYI, I am not affiliated in any way with this company and purchased this product on my own. These are solely my personal thoughts on this product (take that FTC!)

Pros:
It was relatively cheap! I retailed for about $12.67 at Walmart. The replacement heads are also cheaper than most electric toothbrushes. This is significantly cheaper than your $100 electric toothbrushes on the market. I think the directions state to replace the heads when the blue on the bristles are faded half way (approx 3 months).

It has a two minute timer automatically built into it. Two minutes is the recommended time to brush your teeth and you would be surprised at how many people brush for much less than that. Prior to this toothbrush, I timed myself and was averaging about 1 minute 15 seconds to 1 minute 30 seconds. It alerts you that your two minutes is up by pulsing three times.

The dual head is fabulous! They have other ones that are just the small round (precision) head. The precision part goes in circles while the squarer part goes up and down. My teeth are relatively straight on top, but my bottom row does have a bit of crowding which makes it hard to get to some places with a regular toothbrush. With this bad boy, I feel the bristles getting in all the crevices with no problem!

My teeth are definitely whiter since using this. Some of you know from my Youtube videos that I do the Crest Whitestrips about every 6 months. I did my last kit about three months ago and this toothbrush is definitely prolonging those results.

I ALWAYS feel like my teeth are squeaky clean after I am done. My mouth feels refreshed and I have noticed less bleeding of my gums (but I didn't have a lot to begin with). I should tell you that before I started using this my teeth had started to bother me a bit as I have missed my regularly cleaning for the past year (before I was going every 6 months like clockwork but things changed due to insurance and crap).

Cons:
Battery operated. Ideally, I would have liked a rechargeable to save some money on having to buy batteries, but it isn't that bad!

This thing can be a bit noisy and loud. If you live alone or don't mind the noise, then you are fine. If you have a toddler that sleeps lightly or a spouse you don't want to wake up..then it is a bit distracting!

I wish it came more than two colors: red and teal. It would have been nice to get a purple one, lol!

Overall, this is a great and I recommend it to everyone! Good luck!