Tonight I sit here...reflecting...something I tend to do a lot nowadays...and I am thinking of as many positive and happy times as I can. I have come to the realization that I have felt the happiest whenever something is 'new' in my life. I feel on top of the world when I have new things, a new man, new event...everything new. I find it so interesting. Is it because it is stil something exciting, something to learn about, something to grow into? Am I intrigued by the fact that something has just been born (whether it's a new boyfriend or new shirt to hang in my closet) and I realize that there is so much more in store for its lifespan (whether its 2 weeks or 5 years).
Really, think about how it feels to have a new crush, new relationship...the first time talking awkwardly on the phone, holding hands, locking lips for that first passionate kiss, feeling scared, excited, and adventurous when you let somebody know for the first time how you feel about them and about life in general. That amazing first time you have sex with someone you are falling/have fallen for when things are naive and different..new touch..new positions...new smell...new being. New, incredibly exciting feelings..when your heart beats like it hasn't in forever..when you remember what it is like to have butterflies..and sweaty hands when someone is trying to cuddle...When you have to stop and ask yourself.."wait, will i sound dumb if i say this.."
When you come back from the mall with a whole bag full of new clothes and you hang them up in your closet, feeling excited about when you can rock those new jeans or cute little dress, with the perfect heels you got to match. When you get that new car and drive around town to do the same old errands with your wind blowing and music blarring..hell, even turning on the windshield wipers is intriguing, simply because it is new. When you start a brand new semester, with your fresh binders, pens, pencils, and a new perspective on how you WILL get things done this semester. A new dog..puppy...hanging with new friends...buying new makeup..being a newlywed, having a new baby. Ahhhhh...It's such an incredible feeling.
I strive for that feeling constantly. Upon many reasons out of my control, I can say that was one of the main reasons my last relationship did not work. I simply got tired of the same old shit..the same expected responses..the same lame story..the same song and dance. There was no excitement...nothing new. The same routine. Don't get me wrong..I like my order..I like my routine..but not in a relationship. That is one area of my life where spontanaeity is necessary. I don't mind getting up everyday, going thru the same plan of getting dressed, going to work, dealing with the clients, coming home, spending time with the family..but when it comes to me and my man..it needs to be fun. I need to be able to enjoy my time, but not feel bogged down by the same shit over and over again. Does that make sense? I don't mean that every day has to be a huge production..but I do not understand how couples just don't do anything with one another. Money is NOT a good reason. Time is NOT a good reason. Having kids is NOT a good reason. Those are EXCUSES..and we all know what those are.."excuses are tools of incompetence that build monuments of nothingness, and those who use them will never amount to anything..and will never...well you all know the rest..."
I don't know. I value excitement..I value 'newness'...yet I am content with feeling comfortable as well. I guess ultimately, I want both out of life. To feel satisfied, whole, and all around 'full' with life and knowing where I am going...yet having spontaneous moments along the way to make things much more fun. On July 22, my year starts...we will see where it takes me..
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